The F Word.
- Jaise
- Mar 22, 2024
- 5 min read
My brother passed away in 2021. He was 36.
Looking at the picture above - you would never have guessed that many years later - he would take his last breath on a cold November evening, on a traffic busy street - in a bus stop all alone. Cause of death - overdose from fentanyl.
My heart breaks for the person passing by who found his body in the dead of winter - lifeless and frozen. Who had to make the call to 911 knowing that this news was about to shatter a family. I truly hope that person has been able to find comfort & peace.
To the person who found him, I know you'll never read this - but if by chance - somehow you do... I want to thank you. I know it must have been scary. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for doing the right thing and making that phone call. Some people would have turned a blind eye. Thank you for providing him the respect and dignity he deserved.
In the years leading up to his passing, my brother and I weren't in touch. It's unfortunate - and now that it's far too late - I have a lot of regrets. Why did we fall out of touch. Why did we let so much time go by.
When we were younger we were very close. I was so proud to be his sister. I would show him off and brag about him to my friends. I felt so cool tagging along with him. I looked up to him. I can't pin point exactly when things changed.. but I am sad that they did.
Because we weren't close when we were older - I can't speak on the struggles that may have lead him to fentanyl. I do wonder if I had been in his corner - if maybe his story would have been different.
We always say tomorrow. We always think we have more time. I'm guilty of procrastinating as I am sure some of you are too. The thing is ... life moves quick. Time isn't promised. You blink and days, months, even years go by.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda is all too real.
I wish I could turn back time but I can't.
You can't either.
I don't know if my brother was an addict. I don't know if he did drugs leisurely. I have so many questions that will remain unanswered for the rest of my life.
What I can tell you, is that I wish I knew. That I wish I could have tried to help. That I could have been someone he could talk to. That even if I couldn't save him in the end - that at least I would have known him. That at least I would have known I tried to do whatever I could.
I feel like I lost him twice. Like I have had to grieve him over and over. I grieved when we lost contact, and again as I stared at him laying in his casket.
I drove by him one day. I had my kids with me. We were on our way to a dentist apt. I should have stopped. I should have pulled over and introduced them to their uncle. But I didn't. Because ... there's always tomorrow. Because we would reconnect one day. Because I don't want to be late for the dentist.
The next time I seen him was in a room engulfed in tears. Mourning the loss of a 36 year old who had so much life left to live. Instead his life was cut short and we were saying our final goodbyes. I sent balloons to the funeral home on behalf of my kids. I made us matching bracelets. Mine tucked away in a box, his on his wrist for eternity.
My brother has a son. He's out there somewhere. I would like to meet him. I have no idea where to start. I wonder if he knew his dad.. I wonder if he knows he's gone.
When my brother took those pills... I don't think he intended to die. I don't think he had an inkling as he looked out past those dirty bus stop windows - at the illuminated street lights ahead - that those lights would be his last view.
I went to the bus stop. I have many times. I have sat in the same seat. I have read the graffiti on the glass. I have stared at the same street lights. I have felt the cold sting the tears on my cheeks and I have soaked in the smells, sounds, the traffic, & the people that I see.
I can tell you - that when I think of my last moments on this earth - I want the last thing I see before I take my last earthly breath - to be the faces of the people & fur babies that I love most. I want to slip away peacefully and safely. In my heart I do not believe that this was the way he planned to go to Heaven. Not staring at those street lights through snow covered - dirty windows, in a dark and quiet neighbourhood - alone. Not on a freezing night - in a bus stop - just to be found by a stranger - and unidentified for a few days. He deserved so much more then that.
And I feel sad. I feel so incredibly sad that in his darkest moment .... he was alone.
When I was a teenager I took the bus as my main form of transportation like many teens do. I took the same route daily for many years. My brother happened to pass away at a stop on that route. It's wild to think I passed that spot every day for years. It was just a bus stop. I never for a second thought it would be a place where flowers would be laid or a place people would go to feel close to his memory.
One choice. One decision that ultimately lead to his last moment. Drugs... they aren't a joke. The have real consequences. It's a scary place out there. I'm sure for the people struggling - it is terrifying and lonely. So many people want to turn a blind eye towards addiction/addicts & overdose. If they have not been personally impacted -they don't understand & don't want to. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. It won't get better if we silence it and pretend the problem isn't there. We are loosing more and more beautiful souls each and every day. When someone you love dies by a death that could have been prevented - it hits a different kind of way. There needs to be more awareness. More resources. There needs to be more kindness, understanding and support. Addiction, mental health - these are diseases. They can be treated. People do recover. Their lives are not lost causes.
I don't want my brother to be a statistic. I don't want people to forget that he was real, that he was important, & he was loved. I want to make sure people know that he mattered - that he meant something to many people. I want him to be remembered for his heart, for his soul... not for a choice he made.
I found out at my brothers funeral that over the last several years of his life he found a hobby building bikes. He would take old broken bike parts, and create a working, useable bike - and then he would give the bikes away to people in need. He was that kind of person. Even when he didn't have a lot - he shared what he did have.
If you take anything away from today - I want you to remember his heart - not that he overdosed.
I will be forever grateful for the memories we were fortunate enough to make. And I will always grieve the lost opportunities and stolen time.
Tomorrow isn't promised.
Rest in sweet heavenly peace.
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